On the first day of Christmas, my family needs from me…
A picture perfect Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas,
my family needs from me…
A size 2 model mommy,
And a picture perfect Christmas tree.
A size 2 model mommy,
And a picture perfect Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas, my
family needs from me…
3 acres of gift-wrapped presents,
A 6'2" Redwood mommy,
And "Okay! Okay!", a decorated tree.
3 acres of gift-wrapped presents,
A 6'2" Redwood mommy,
And "Okay! Okay!", a decorated tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
my family needs from me…
4 hours for visiting old people,
3 acres of gift-wrapped presents,
A 2-pound beautiful mommy,
And a really, really purrty pine tree.
4 hours for visiting old people,
3 acres of gift-wrapped presents,
A 2-pound beautiful mommy,
And a really, really purrty pine tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my
family wants from me…
5 dozen gourmet cupcakes,
4 hours seeing old people,
3 million ribbon-wrapped presents,
A disgustingly beautiful woman,
And a fabulous lookin’ Christmas tree.
5 dozen gourmet cupcakes,
4 hours seeing old people,
3 million ribbon-wrapped presents,
A disgustingly beautiful woman,
And a fabulous lookin’ Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my
family needs from me…
6 (hundred) five dollar presents,
5 dozen Snickernut Doodle Dump cupcakes,
4 visits to people who don’t recognize me,
3 trips to the store to get tape,
2 string beans in need of a sandwich,
And a big green tree…that’s dropping pine needles all OVER the carpet!
6 (hundred) five dollar presents,
5 dozen Snickernut Doodle Dump cupcakes,
4 visits to people who don’t recognize me,
3 trips to the store to get tape,
2 string beans in need of a sandwich,
And a big green tree…that’s dropping pine needles all OVER the carpet!
On the seventh day of Christmas,
my family needs from me…
7 people in line ahead of me to check out,
6 (hundred) five dollar presents (that don’t mention the word “Christmas”),
5 dozen store bought, hypoallergenic cupcakes,
4 trips to the nursing home,
3 dollars for a roll of tape?!,
2 heifers that I guarantee throw up at least 10 times a day,
And…good Lord, have you seen the mess from this one tree?
7 people in line ahead of me to check out,
6 (hundred) five dollar presents (that don’t mention the word “Christmas”),
5 dozen store bought, hypoallergenic cupcakes,
4 trips to the nursing home,
3 dollars for a roll of tape?!,
2 heifers that I guarantee throw up at least 10 times a day,
And…good Lord, have you seen the mess from this one tree?
On the eighth day of Christmas,
my family needs from me…
8 surprise gifts for children,
7 people in line to check out (and of COURSE they need a price check!),
6 (hundred) five dollar, religiously unaffiliated presents,
5 dozen—(sweet Jesus, $8 for a dozen?) cupcakes,
4 “no, I’m her DAUGHTER”,
3 acres of unwrapped gifts,
2 bulimic Norwegians,
And a “since when are trees sticky? Who’s gonna clean this crap up?” moment with our glorious pine tree.
8 surprise gifts for children,
7 people in line to check out (and of COURSE they need a price check!),
6 (hundred) five dollar, religiously unaffiliated presents,
5 dozen—(sweet Jesus, $8 for a dozen?) cupcakes,
4 “no, I’m her DAUGHTER”,
3 acres of unwrapped gifts,
2 bulimic Norwegians,
And a “since when are trees sticky? Who’s gonna clean this crap up?” moment with our glorious pine tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my
family needs from me…
9 gingerbread Trump towers,
8 surprise gifts for…(who are they for, again?),
7 people needing three separate transactions for couponing purposes,
6 (hundred) five dollar, vegetarian, gluten-free and religiously unaffiliated presents,
5 dozen…”you’ve gotta be kidding me…Betty Crocker's an extortionist” cupcakes,
4 “No, I'm not dead” discussions,
3 "you did NOT just use the rest of the wrapping paper" lectures,
2 heroine-shooting, broom-handled Swedes,
And a “what do you MEAN the lights won’t work on our Christmas tree?"
9 gingerbread Trump towers,
8 surprise gifts for…(who are they for, again?),
7 people needing three separate transactions for couponing purposes,
6 (hundred) five dollar, vegetarian, gluten-free and religiously unaffiliated presents,
5 dozen…”you’ve gotta be kidding me…Betty Crocker's an extortionist” cupcakes,
4 “No, I'm not dead” discussions,
3 "you did NOT just use the rest of the wrapping paper" lectures,
2 heroine-shooting, broom-handled Swedes,
And a “what do you MEAN the lights won’t work on our Christmas tree?"
On the tenth day of Christmas, my
family needs from me…
10 handmade silk kimonos for teacher’s aides, librarians, and other unrecognizable people,
9 fresh baked skyscrapers,
8 surprises for young'uns I don't know,
7 buggies full of screaming kids,
6 (hundred) five dollar, vegetarian, gluten-free, religiously unaffiliated presents (new in store packaging),
5 dozen “I can make these for $4” cupcakes,
4 “Granny, you can’t smoke on oxygen” reminders,
3 I-can’t-believe-I’m-going-back-to-the-store-for-more-paper outrages,
2 my-knee-is-bigger-than-her-head models,
And a string of Christmas lights with half the bulbs burnt out and of COURSE the other half won’t work on our Christmas tree!
10 handmade silk kimonos for teacher’s aides, librarians, and other unrecognizable people,
9 fresh baked skyscrapers,
8 surprises for young'uns I don't know,
7 buggies full of screaming kids,
6 (hundred) five dollar, vegetarian, gluten-free, religiously unaffiliated presents (new in store packaging),
5 dozen “I can make these for $4” cupcakes,
4 “Granny, you can’t smoke on oxygen” reminders,
3 I-can’t-believe-I’m-going-back-to-the-store-for-more-paper outrages,
2 my-knee-is-bigger-than-her-head models,
And a string of Christmas lights with half the bulbs burnt out and of COURSE the other half won’t work on our Christmas tree!
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my family needs from me…
11 trips to the kids’ schools before lunchtime,
10 handmade silk kimonos using raw, organic silk from the Order of Celibate Silkworms of Manitoba for a bunch of women my kids can’t even name,
9 leaning towers,
8 surprises-in-the-sense-that-I-don’t-remember-what-I-bought,
7 WIC recipients buying bacon-wrapped filets, hair jewels, and Booty Pop Panties,
6 (hundred) five dollar, vegetarian, gluten-free, new in store packaging, religiously unaffiliated presents with individual gift receipts,
5 more batches of HAIRLESS cupcakes,
4 “Granny, that’s my purse, not a bed pan” incidents,
3 traffic citations on the way to buy wrapping paper,
2 broomstick wenches,
And a….smoking Christmas tree?
11 trips to the kids’ schools before lunchtime,
10 handmade silk kimonos using raw, organic silk from the Order of Celibate Silkworms of Manitoba for a bunch of women my kids can’t even name,
9 leaning towers,
8 surprises-in-the-sense-that-I-don’t-remember-what-I-bought,
7 WIC recipients buying bacon-wrapped filets, hair jewels, and Booty Pop Panties,
6 (hundred) five dollar, vegetarian, gluten-free, new in store packaging, religiously unaffiliated presents with individual gift receipts,
5 more batches of HAIRLESS cupcakes,
4 “Granny, that’s my purse, not a bed pan” incidents,
3 traffic citations on the way to buy wrapping paper,
2 broomstick wenches,
And a….smoking Christmas tree?
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my family needs from me…
A 12-course, Little Mermaid-inspired-yet PETA approved- dinner,
11 million candy canes crushed in my floor board,
10 “What do you MEAN you said lemonade for silky homos?” meltdowns,
9 dustpans of gingerbread crumbs,
8 “just give ‘em some batteries”,
7 tears falling while I’m stuck in line at the grocery store,
6 (hundred) $5 black-label gift cards they can swipe in their butts if they don’t like ‘em,
5 dozen day-old bakery cupcakes that put $27.50 in the cuss jar,
4 “Wait a minute, you’re not my granny!” mishaps,
3 years probation for smackin' an 18-year-old Po-Po,
2 women that are gonna envy my big childbirthin’ hips one day,
And a hunky firefighter named Daryl putting out the fiery furnace that used to be our Christmas tree.
A 12-course, Little Mermaid-inspired-yet PETA approved- dinner,
11 million candy canes crushed in my floor board,
10 “What do you MEAN you said lemonade for silky homos?” meltdowns,
9 dustpans of gingerbread crumbs,
8 “just give ‘em some batteries”,
7 tears falling while I’m stuck in line at the grocery store,
6 (hundred) $5 black-label gift cards they can swipe in their butts if they don’t like ‘em,
5 dozen day-old bakery cupcakes that put $27.50 in the cuss jar,
4 “Wait a minute, you’re not my granny!” mishaps,
3 years probation for smackin' an 18-year-old Po-Po,
2 women that are gonna envy my big childbirthin’ hips one day,
And a hunky firefighter named Daryl putting out the fiery furnace that used to be our Christmas tree.
Merry Christmas y’all.
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