About the middle of October, the holiday pot starts
simmering south of the Mason-Dixon line. You go from having something to do a
couple of nights a week to running the Iditarod on your way home from work so
that the kids get to the non-affiliated holiday spectacular on time, equipped
with 13 dozen pre-packaged, peanut- and gluten-free snacks.
But the most important holiday fiesta of all is the
Christmas program at church. Those little candy cigarette-smoking, henna
tattoo-wearing rug rats that haven’t been seen since Easter start pouring out
of the woodwork, each with visions of being the Virgin Mary or Joseph.
If you’ve ever tried to direct a children’s program, you
have a pretty good idea why nobody does it twice. Ms. Linda may have a Ph.D. in
Children’s Theater, but she’s still recovering from her last musical
production. Most of her injuries were minor, but she’s still got a limp and
that fake leg ain’t fooling nobody…not to mention that every time she leans up
to the microphone to speak, that metal plate in her head causes interference
and the microwave in the fellowship hall starts beeping.
The first year my kids were in it, the original theme was
“Christmas Around the World.” The script described children of all races and
nationalities being at the stable to celebrate the birth of Jesus and the first
Christmas.
We’d brought in a ton of
costumes and decorations, but we just couldn’t find the materials we needed to
pull it off. You see, we had a budget of about $13.75 for this masterpiece, and
finding 25 costumes and accessories for pennies ain’t easy. But we were
committed to putting on a show that the kids would never forget, even if this
was the most eclectic Nativity scene since the reenactment by the Village
People.
Sister Lois and I started hitting the thrift stores and
discount stores for costumes, but weren’t having much luck finding Christmas
themed costumes. We got a few donations from the congregation, but we were
praying for a miracle here…and that’s just what we got.
We’d been praying for
Starr, a young woman in our congregation, to find a job, and she’d just been
hired as a cashier at the local party supply store. The manager was about to
throw away a box of discontinued Halloween costumes when Starr jumped in and
saved the day…and the Christmas program. Thanks to Starr, “The Night Jesus Got
Here” would go on as planned.
Our program was going to be one of a kind. Except for a few verses of Scripture, the
children were telling the Christmas story in their own words. We knew it was a
risky move, but the kids were so excited, we had to give them a shot.
So the parents are all sitting in the sanctuary, listening
to canned Christmas music, and marveling at the huge Scotch pine at the corner
of the choir loft. At 7:12 on the dot, the lights fade, and the spotlights draw
everyone’s attention to Mary, who is center stage, surrounded by the toddler
barnyard.
The animals had never looked cuter, and Mary was looking quite
fetching in the shawl we’d fashioned out of a burlap table runner and an ivory
choir robe that bore some unexplained cigarette burns.
This year, the Virgin Mary was being played by Heather, a
14-year-old girl we hadn't seen hide nor hair of since Easter, but she had an
amazing stage presence….and none of her tattoos were easily visible.
From the front of the baptismal, Gabriel, the messenger of
the Lord, looked like he was about to toss his cookies as the spotlight shone
on his glistening, clammy skin. He lamented his stage fright with tears in his
eyes, doing an Academy Award-worthy deer-in-the-headlights impression, but no sound
was coming out.
He shrugs his shoulders, whispers “I got nothing”, and exits
stage right in tears.
The lights dimmed as an 8th-grader named Katie
grabbed the mike.
“So the angel told Mary she was pregnant with God’s baby.
She didn’t know just what to do, so she asked God to help her. She told him
exactly what Gabe told her, but Joey still went from 'In a relationship' to 'It's complicated'. I think God must have tweeted him, ‘cuz he was
cool after a while. Mary puked a lot at first, but that’s kind normal. When my
mom was pregnant with my little brother, she puked all the time.
“So after a while, Mary got real fat, and her sandals didn’t
fit any more. They saw on the news one day that everybody had to go home so
they would know how much tax to charge on Caesar salads.“
Out of nowhere, Uncle Sam staggers in on a pair on Folgers-can
stilts, chanting “Read my lips: NO NEW TAXES!” At this point, there are smirks
creeping across faces and giggles escaping from moms and dads.
“Since Mary was all swoll’ up and moody, Joe let her ride
the donkey all the way to Bethlehem, where his buddy David lived.”
Enter stage left: Joseph.
Now Jacob, our Joseph, was doing alright for himself in his
daddy’s long johns and camouflage bath robe, and thank God, he an experienced
actor. Jacob had played 9 of the 12 disciples, Santa Clause, and Johnny
Appleseed before his 13th birthday. Surely he could pull this off.
Slowly but surely, Joseph begins pulling a little red wagon
that’s carrying the teen bride, a stick horse, and a Coach duffel bag.
“Joseph, you idiot, I told you to confirm our reservations!
You can’t just show up at a hotel at Christmas and expect to get a room! I’ve
gotta pee, If I don’t get my feet put up soon, they’re gonna explode.”
“NO NEW TAXES!”
suddenly interjects from the wings.
Joseph, the human baby daddy of Jesus Christ, suddenly rolls
his eyes, and yells “Well, excuse me for livin’ but the graveyards full! Geez,
you’re acting just like your mother. “
Oh boy. This was turning south quicker than a redneck at the
Ohio state line. All we could do was pray that the scene would finish without
major incident.
“So Mary’s all upset, Joey’s sayin’ her hormones are messed
up, and their online hotel reservation was clearly a phishing scam. They found
a room, but they started fightin’ so loud they got kicked out, so they had to
sleep out back with the animals. But while they were getting settled in, Santa Clause dropped off the baby.” The
lights fade out, and the childbirth scene begins.
“Joseph, I hate you! Ow, get this thing outta me! YOU DID
THIS TO ME!”
“I ain’t done nothin’ to you, woman! NOTHIN!”
The lights dim as the
sounds of childbirth emerge. As if the agonizing screams and colorful metaphors weren’t
enough, the AV crew had apparently decided to celebrate the birth of our Lord
by reassembling the Titanic. The sounds
of buzzing chainsaws and hammering steel began to feed as the eye-patch
wearing, one-eyed Cabbage Patch kid named Jesus began to cry.
“And they had a little boy and wrapped him up in swaddling
clothes and put him in manger.” It was then that I saw my precious baby girl
waddling down the aisle, wearing a Daisy Duck mask and an antebellum ball gown.
I’m pretty sure I teared up as I saw her little butt waddling towards the first
Christmas.
“TA-DA! It’s Jesus Christ!” A 3-foot tall magician in overalls and a black
top hat suddenly leaps forth from the shadows with a bouquet of fake flowers.
He waltzes across the stage, kneels before Mary, and in his sweet Southern
accent, says “You done good, kid! That shore is a purrty baby.”
By now, the animals in the stable are getting a little unstable.
The sheep are playing Duck Duck Goose, the camels are caught up in a game of
Leap Frog, and the baby Holstein is playing Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo with her
udders. Sorry, Ringling Brothers, but this has turned into the greatest show on
earth!
“And once they got Mary cleaned up, three wise guys came to
check it out.” Now, if people were gently chuckling before, they were about to
pee in their pants when they say the wise men. I’ve seen a lot of nativity scenes
in my life, but this was the first time I’d ever seen the holy family visited
by Bob Marley; a six-year-old in a fur-trimmed, purple velvet leisure suit; and
the Pope. And to think…I gave birth to two of them!
“They’d come a long way to visit, and they’d brought the
baby some toys and snacks and stuff.” At this point, my pancreas falls out in the floor of the church as I busted a gut laughing. Bob Marley kneels down and hands Mary a gold
key chain that says “Proud Mary”, the mini-pimp forks over a box of
Frankenberries, and the Pope hands Joseph a red-headed mermaid doll after
sharing a rather emotional fist-bump.
“They knew that He would be the Savior of the Earth from
that day on, and the angels in heaven rejoiced like they’d done won the
Powerball. And that’s our story of The Night Jesus Got Here. Please stand to
your feet and join us in singing ‘Santa Clause Is Coming to Town’.”
That’s the last spoken line I remember. Apparently, when the
cross-dressing flamenco dancers in Rudolph noses pranced out clacking coconut
shells together, I lost consciousness.
*This is not a true story, but just the thought of it is why I seldom volunteer to work with children's programs!*
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