Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Mominal Justice System: An Eye-for-an-Eye or a Bullet Between 'Em?

Yesterday, I fixed the economy, and today I’m gonna fix the criminal justice system…mama style.

I’ve always been disgusted mesmerized by our criminal justice system. I worked in the court house when I was in high school, where I spent every afternoon pulling people’s criminal records for their day in court. Well, that, and looking up the driving records of everybody I knew. That might’ve been the best job EVER for the blackmailer in me. (Just kidding!)

But one thing that has always intrigued me is capital punishment. Let me clear something up real quick. PLEASE don’t do what I did and get capital punishment and corporal punishment mixed up. Bubby came home one day, and apparently they’d manage to pull their math teacher off topic like a Jell-O wrestler off of a mechanical bull.

“Momma, Ms. Taylor said she doesn’t believe in capital punishment because you can’t risk hurting someone that’s innocent.”

“Well, Bubby, I agree with that, but when there is indisputable evidence, I don’t see why the punishment should be drawn out. I think they should take care of business right then and there.”

“Why don’t they do it much anymore?”

“Well, because it’s not politically correct. Nowadays, they say everybody has to be given another chance, and that’s not an outsider’s place to carry out punishment. “

“Is that what you think?”

“No, I don’t, Bubby. I think every teacher should be taught how to administer capital punishment before they ever step foot in a classroom. Think about, honey. If you know your teacher’s allowed to do it, aren’t you gonna think twice before you act up in her class?”

I glance over at the Bubbster, and his eyes are the size of Momma Boo-Boo’s hula-hoop.

“Dang, Momma, that’s kinda mean, ain’t it?”

“No, it ain’t! Teacher’s put up with crap that would make Malcolm X call for momma, and they can’t do anything about it. They should be able to pull the trigger and put a stop to it without having to get a unanimous vote from the Dalai Lama, 2/3 of the American Idol judges and Steven Seagal.”

Bubby’s officially scared of me at this point……and then it hits me.   

"Oops, sorry, Bubby. That’s capital, not corporal."

But back to CAPITAL punishment. (Y’all hang on, it may get ugly.)

Yep, I believe in it. If you have DNA evidence, a confession, or other irrefutable evidence, put a bullet in ‘em. Hang ‘em. Throw a radio in the tub. Whichever, but do it quick and do it cheap.

Since California reinstated the death penalty in 1978, they have carried out 13 executions, and it has cost California taxpayers $308 million per execution, for a total exceeding $4 billion.

Now that’s for the ones they actually killed.

I’m gonna stick in some Mamanomics here. These days, a shotgun shell costs about a buck a piece. Even if you line ‘em up with a firing squad of five, you’re out $5….and a warped individual that will never again ruin people’s lives. If you do it immediately after sentencing, you save millions of dollars per scumbag.

Let’s look at everybody’s favorite nut job, Marilyn Charlie Manson.

According to his bio, he’s 79 years old. In his own words, “How old am I? I'm as old as my mother told me. How's that?” This schizophrenic, twisted sister of the west coast admits he’s crazy. You show me somebody that wants him free and walking the streets, and I’ll show you somebody that needs a laxative in the worst way.

Manson was convicted in 1971 of first degree murder and conspiracy to commit murder. This year marks the 44th year he’s been in custody. The average annual cost of keeping a non-death row inmate alive and prospering is $47,000 per year in California. It averages $137,500 for death row inmates. 

Why? He’ll be up for parole again when he’s 92. Do you really think he’s gonna cure cancer from his jail cell? Heck no! He’s sitting in there with access to a free college education, watching Good Times reruns, eating Marie Callender’s pot pies for lunch…and probably washing it and his Viagra pill down with an ice-cold Coke.

Not only that, but California also spends $184 million on the death penalty per year on additional trials, heightened security, and legal representation for these criminals.

Now these statistics are from, which actually focuses on alternatives to the death penalty. That’s not what I’m advocating. I’m saying that if you’re gonna use the death penalty, do it after the prosecution’s celebratory dinner break, not 27 years later.  

But, hey, if you’re one of those people that cries at Hallmark commercials and has a moral dilemma when it comes to ridding the earth of a piece of psychotic filth, that’s okay, too. 

According to a report compiled by the California Commission on the Fair Administration of Justice, a capital murder trial (which involves the death penalty not beating their butts, just for clarification) in California costs $1.9 million, whereas a non-capital murder case costs about $630,000.

Fine! From a mamanomical perspective, cut the death penalty! Leave their evil butts in prison to rot, and don’t even mention the death penalty. Seeing as how the west coast we-are-the-worlders are spending $63.3 million dollars a year on death row inmates, it’s no wonder they have budget issues.

If you take away their I’m-special-so-I’m-on-death-row accessory kits (complete with a skull and crossbones enhanced, emu feather boa), the annual cost to keep them fed, comfortably cool, well read and healthy is cut by $90,000.

If he’d converted the death penalty debutantes to lifers-with-hairy-wifers, California’s 742 death rowers might’ve made the Terminator less of a gubernatorial goober. Well, no they wouldn’t. Some things can’t be changed.

So I guess what I’m saying is this:  either kill them quick or don’t do it at all.

Maintaining a deadbeat green miler for a year:  $137,500

Maintaining the same deadbeat dipstick sans empty threats for a year:  $47,500

Cost of cable TV for prisoners for a year:  $2.25 million

Hosting an inmate Hunger Games in an abandoned California amusement park:  Priceless! (and think of the royalties from souvenirs! I know I’d toss in a Jackson for a commemorative dinner plate.) I can hear it now..."Well, it looks as if Leroy is going to hurl rabid chinchillas at Harold from the safety of the Tilt-A-Whirl. Do you suppose those little buggers will be dizzy?"

So, you death penalty states, put up or shut up! If you’re gonna sentence them to death, take ‘em out back and shoot ‘em or forget it. Or for the truly frugal freak-slayers, string ‘em up on a rope. After you cut them down, you can go on Pinterest and figure out how to make an absolutely adorable Kleenex coozie out of the rope, which you can raffle off to feed rehabilitated, Ukrainian fighting chickens.  They’ve been cruelly ignored for so long.

1 comment:

  1. Hahahaha! I agree and I think the teachers need the back plan!! Love it.