Friday, December 27, 2013

The Baths of Mom: When Keester Scrubbing Draws a Crowd

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, young mother who's love light glowed from within with the radiance of angels. Each day, she and her children would pick wildflowers, sing songs, and bake fresh cookies together. But at the end of each day, when her heart threatened to burst from the daily accumulation of love, she would retire to her private bath where she would take long, hot bubble baths with nothing but the chirping of the crickets and the songs of her heart to fill the silence. She would count down the minutes until she could return to her beloved offspring and tuck them snuggly in their beds.


Oh, hey there. Sorry, that was my crap-o-meter going off.

What is it about announcing to your cohabitants that you're tired, grumpy, and stinky that makes them want to swarm you?

Saturday was a cold yucky day, so I decided that after I finished knitting some Christmas gifts, I was going to treat myself to a homemade spa treatment.

It's times like these that I miss having disposable income. There used to be this spa close to our house that had an aroma- and light-therapy jacuzzi capsule thing. Your head was the only thing sticking out, and the rest of you just melted into the effervescent water disco. But the massages were the best part. I'm not gonna SAY it's because they had a gorgeous Italian guy named Giovanni giving the massages, but something was different about that place. It must've been the fabric softener they used on their towels.  It was....indescribable.

But that was the old days, and Saturday, it was just me and my Pinterest-inspired detox concoction. Don't worry...I am still completely covered by skin, unlike the aftermath of the cinnamon facial I tried the other day.
I tossed in some Epsom salts, baking soda, lavender oil and ginger. It was awesome! Also, I got this neat little color-changing, noise-vomiting alarm clock for $5 the other day, so I decided to recreate the spa days of old.

I turn my little light machine on, hit the play button, and lean back to relax when....OW! Once again, I have mashed Rey Mysterio and Triple H flatter than a flitter. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I do bathe with professional wrestlers at least three times a week.

As I sip my Phineas & Ferb goblet of ice water, I realize my bathtub looks like a Mattel house of ill repute. Naked Barbie is trying to drown Skipper in a tub of body scrub. Hulk Hogan and John Cena are tag-teaming Mr. Bubbles, and apparently the Little Mermaid has offered a full tea service for 24 of her closest water wenches.

But this day, it's all about hot water and a quiet, spirit-renewing environment. I close my eyes and lean my head back as I listen to the sounds of a bubbling brook animals? What the heck?

No wonder my little miracle machine was only $5. The relaxing water sounds are accompanied by an irritable Blue Bell with PMS, sic cock-fighting chickens, and a constipated sheep.

Well, ain't this just a relaxing day in the barnyard? No....just try to relax. The kids are downstairs, on the other side of two locked doors, and I'm in no hurry. Just breathe deep....and relax.

"Mommy! I brought you sum-pin!"

Holy helicopters, how did she get in here? 

"Baby, momma's taking a bath and trying to relax, so go back downstairs, okay?"

"But I bwought you a sup-wise!"  She proceeds to walk towards me with Christmas platter containing a Christmas mint and a half-eaten Hershey's kiss.

"Oooh, Mom, can I pway with some of your toys? I'll be Bah-bie, and you be the wrestlahs."

So much for relaxing. Hey, wait a minute...

"Honey, how did you get in here?"

Big smile...right on cue.

My daughter, while only four years old, could capture Fort Knox with a bowl of Jell-o, a tube sock, and a plastic spork. There is no door lock that she can't pick in the time it takes me to yell "leave me alone"... unless she's on the inside of it, in which case she's stranded for hours. I guess I need to brush up on my lock-picking skills.

"I just opened it, Mommy! Didn't I do so good?"

Yes, honey, you did great. Now excuse me while I submerge my head until the bubbles stop.

"Honey, go back downstairs with daddy while I finish my bath, okay? I'll be down in just a minute."

"Okay, Mommy. I love you!"

Love you, too, baby girl, but for the love of God and your own life,

Finally, peace at last. It's starting to get a little chilly in here, so I grab the plastic cup on the edge to pour some warm water over my shoulders.

Trickle, trickle, splash....SON OF A ....! So much for that glass of ice water I was gonna drink. Dad gum it, now Barbie's gonna have to shave, too.

I'm back to listening to Dolly the cloned sheep rid herself of that pesky intestinal blockage when I hear something at the door.

"Hey, Mom, are you taking a bath?"

No, honey, I'm juggling chainsaws. 

"Baby, I'll be out in a minute."

"But, I just need to ask you a...."

"I'm sorry, but the party you're trying to reach is no longer available. Please try your call later, or leave a message after the beep. BEEP!"

"Uh, hey mom, it's Bubby... I was wondering if I could download this thing....."


Could it be...silence at last?

Knock knock knock....

"If you don't get away from this door, I'm going to shove the first wrestler I can find where the sun don't shine! I told you, I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE!"

"Geez, Mom, sorry. I was gonna tell you I took Emma back downstairs for you."

"Oh....thanks, Rae-Rae. Sorry for yelling. I'll be out in a few minutes."

"Hey, Mom, while I've got your attention, what are we having for dinner?"

The next person that talks to me is gonna have the black-and-blue plate special:  a knuckle sandwich and a big cup of shut-the-heck-up. 

While I didn't get the peace and quiet, the solitude, or the relaxing ambiance I was looking for, I got clean just the same. The clock wound up being worth about $0.25, and I now live in a house with a whole bunch of useless door locks, but at least I had plenty of hot water to drown myself in.

"Okay, kids, I'm out. What did y'all need?"

Chirp, chirp.

No comments:

Post a Comment