Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Depression or Recession: Mamanomics on the Hill Over Yonder

My husband and I were talking the other night, and he was telling me about a very large, Fortune 500 company that was managing to prosper during this economic swirlie. They recently that they dumped $25 million back into the company for improvements and whatnot. 

In other words, the hard-working men that bust their butts to provide for their families will still make anemic wages, but the big-wigs will no longer have to share the Keurig in the breakroom. They'll each have their own...and a lingerie model model named Svetlana to operate it for them for the bargain price of $50K per year.

I know, it's their money to do what they want to with, but guess what? Without those anemically-paid, blue-collar guys, they wouldn't have jack. Without Terry, Clarence, Jimmy Jack and Bubba, your Liebowitz's  and al Habbudabbi's are drinking Maxwell House out of a styrofoam cup, and Svetlana's putting on her Goodwill clothes for her deportation hearing.

Let's do some mamanomic math. Let's say this company has  7,500 employees. We're gonna knock off 1,500 because their are at least that many overpaid bureaucrats sitting behind Romanian wormwood desks in corporate offices across the country. So that leaves us with 6,000.

If you were to divide that $25,000,000 among 6,000 employees, that would come out to about $4100 per employee. To a family that's hanging on to their middle class status with a death grip, do you know how much that would mean?

I'm not talking about my family here. I'm talking about EVERY family here. Do you know what would happen to employee loyalty and morale if they did this? I don't care if you gave it to every family BUT mine...do you know how much your employees would respect the stuffed shirt, pompous jerk, jelly-of-the-month-gifting apes for doing this?

Some of you are probably thinking "But to grow the company and upgrade facilities and technologies as needed, this money needs to stay within the operations budget." 

But guess what? This $25 million isn't their yearly reinvestment in the company. This was a one time dump. 


And speaking of dump, why not try the same thing with the US economy? I'm going to use the base figure of the stimulus package, which according to the Bloomberg news, was $787 billion. The population of the United States, rounded for mathematical purposes, is 315 million. 

If the entire stimulus package was dispersed to the American people, each person would receive $2500, give or take a piece of gum and a bouncy ball. Call me stupid, but do you honestly think that if the average American family is given $2500 per person, that they're not going to put at least a good chunk of that back into the economy? When they spend that money, it's gonna get taxed repeatedly through income and sales taxes. 

If the federal government were to disperse the funds to the people that would put it back into the economy, there are certain fiscal events that would be unavoidable.

  1. Apple profits will explode like a Tums in a Co-Cola.
  2. The state of Florida will never again have a budget deficit.
  3. Disney theme parks will show record attendance and profits.
  4. Everybody's going on a vacation.
  5. Bills will get paid.
While that all sounds great, my cynical side is starting to wake up.

According to the Bloomberg news, 7% of US program funds are lost to corruption. Well, ain't that peachy?

So, in terms of the stimulus package, you mean to tell me that $55 billion of that is being stolen or snuck under the table? I hope their momma's find out and paint their backporches red...and then make them return it and publicly apologize. 

You mean to tell me that given our president's open checkbook (printed with your and my account numbers, by the way), they couldn't find the $18,000 a week necessary to pay the seven staff members that facilitated the self-guided White House tours? 

Well, excuse me, but when it's my great, great-grandchildren that are paying your rent and buying your wife's slabs of ribs, I should be able to come in whenever I want. Don't worry...we Southern girls do our own cooking, and we'll even use paper plates.

But onto the budget issues...

First of all, some of the White House traditions are gonna be gone like a fart in the breeze. 

When 11 million Americans are out of work, I think the White house should cut the $250,000 they spend every year of fresh flowers. My kids will cover your entire house in chickweed and daffodils quicker than a six-figure employee can put a muzzle on the first mutt...all for the price of a Moonpie and a Yoo-hoo.

When 11 million Americans are out of work, $270,000 a year to keep three calligraphers on staff seems a little ridiculous. I don't think the fate of the Berlin Wall would've changed had Gorbachev's dinner invitation printed in 14-point Lucida Calligraphy.

When 11 million Americans are out of work, it seems a little snooty to have a $100,000 dog handler on staff. Um...you have two kids. If your kids have a dog, your kids should take care of a dog. What, that's slave labor? Then give them an allowance, not a trip to Europe.

When 11 million Americans are out of work, it seems a little ridiculous that the first family's healthcare costs are $7 million a year. Good lord, Michelle must be getting Starbucks colonics on a daily basis. That'd account for at least half of that budget. And with the White House's own gym, tennis courts, basketball court, pool, and 24-7 gourmet chefs, you ought to be in pretty good shape. 

When 11 million Americans are out of work, it's poor taste for it's leaders to spend $20 million a year on vacations. You have the rest of your life to take vacations!!! For the amount of perks you get on the job, your butt needs to be parked behind a desk until the next inauguration. Oh, but wait a minute...then you'd have to pay for them yourself. Gotcha. 

I'm not just hating on Obama, either. Washington D.C. is a living exhibit of the seven deadly sins, starring Lawyer McGreedypants. The presidency has transformed into a winning lottery ticket, an all-expense paid 4-8 year trip, the ultimate Dave and Busters experience for adults. No matter which stooge wins or what party takes over, they're all the same, and it's a cryin' shame.

Politicians have been taking and manipulating our citizen's money for years and years and have yet to find a winning combination...while being paid ridiculously to do so. 

Trickle it down to the people that earn it. The teachers, the firefighters, the police officers, the cashiers at the grocery store, the young mom working the morning drive-thru, the single dad working two jobs to take care of his best bud....anybody that gets up and goes to work every morning in hopes of a better life. 

Oh....what's that you say? We don't HAVE the money we're spending? Well, that's a shame. Mickey and Minnie were really wanting to see your momma'n'em.

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