Steve Spurrier, the Divine Comedian

I hope I’ve adequately described how passionate my family is about football (please refer to The Pig-skin Apocalypse). We’re die-hard Bulldog fans, we watch college football like it’s gonna get us into heaven, and we love all things SEC….except the other coaches. And when I say ‘the other coaches’, I mean Steve Spurrier (among others). Nothing gives us greater pleasure than seeing that old man’s visor dismount and go flying into the sunset.

He’s one of those guys that no matter how much you hate him as the opposing coach, he will never fail to make you laugh, often at his own team’s expense. He’s not one to go all Michael Meyers on the English language like other notables across the miles, but he is one of the quickest wits of anybody on TV, and for that, I can’t help but like the guy.

Here are a few of my favorite Spurrier quotes.

• "You know what FSU stands for, don’t you? Free Shoes University."

• "We were fortunate…their safety, Lynn Hughes, fell down.”

•    “After being here, I can really appreciate how the Carolina people love football and love their team,…they’ve paid their dues. I’m hoping they get a return real soon.” (I’m pretty sure that's his way of blessin' y'alls hearts, Carolina fans!)

•  “The Pope is 77 years old, and he’s in charge of a billion people. All I have to do is put 11 on the field.”  (Heh heh….I guess he ain’t Catholic either!)

• When an interviewer asked him if his Gators were gonna beat Georgia, he shot back with “Is Ray Goff still the head coach?”  

• “I sort of always like playing them that second game because you could always count on them having two or three key players suspended.”~Spurrier on playing Georgia (Sorry dawgs, that’s funny!)

• "I know why Peyton (Manning) came back for his senior year:  he wanted to be a three-time Citrus Bowl MVP."

• "Obviously, my last two years in the NFL were not much fun at all."
• 
  

      But on a more serious note, it’s time to look into the man behind the myth. Parents, guard your children, this is gonna get ugly. Today, I am going to prove how this man has been wreaking havoc on our world since his momma spit him out.

1.  Stephen Orr Spurrier was born on April 20, 1945. Know who else has a birthday on April 20? Adolf Hitler, Luther Vandross, and Shemar Moore. Ten days after Spurrier was born, Hitler killed himself. In 2005, as the good coach was unloading his moving truck in Columbia, Luther Vandross suddenly died. 
2.  If you rearrange the letters of STEVE SPURRIER, you come up with VIRUS PESTERER. Tell me that’s a coincidence…those words fit him like a sweaty visor on game day.
3. In December 1966, Spurrier was awarded the Heisman for his accomplishments in the Swamp. That same month, Walt Disney died while producing “The Jungle Book.”  Steve, that's just evil., and I don't see how you sleep at night.
4. Within two weeks of his Heisman acceptance, “How The Spurrier Grinch Stole Christmas” first aired on television. Hmmm….green Grinch, green Gators…you do the math.
5. Spurrier accepted the job of Head Coach at the University of Florida on December 31, 1989. Exactly 666 days later, the perfect storm that gave George Clooney his cinematic sea legs began wreaking havoc along the eastern seaboard of the United States. Thanks a boat load, Steve. 

      I’m sure you skeptics will chalk those off to silly coincidences, but math is the language of logic and fact, and the numbers don’t lie, y’all.

      His Passing Yards as the Gator's Quarterback:  
      4,848 passing yards:  4+8+4+8=24 and 2+4=6      

      His Coaching Record at Florida:  122-27-1 

      1+2+2+2+7+1=15 and 1+5=6

     

      Spurrier is the first Heisman trophy winner to coach another Heisman winner. When you match the letters to their corresponding position in the alphabet:

      Heisman:  8+5+9+19+13+1+14=69;  6+9=15 and 1+5= 6 

      

      Hitler, who shared a birthday with Stevie Boy, turned 56 years old the day Spurrier was born. 

      56= 5+6= 11, which was (drum roll please....) Spurrier’s jersey number at Florida

  

      So this funny, sarcastic coach that we all love to hate has now taken over as the Adolf Hitler of college football; tried to steal Christmas from Whoville; potentially had Walt Disney, Batman, Luther Vandross, Marky Mark, and his boat-dwelling Funky Bunch thrown out of the game of life; and he is marked with the statistical number of the beast, 666.

      

      Don’t get me wrong…if he was on our sideline, it’d be a whole different jug of nuts. I’d be wearing a visor to church every Sunday because, like it or not, the guy is one heck of a coach! But Spurrier, I swear on all that is holy, if you lay a hand on Shemar Moore, I will hunt you down.

DISCLAIMER:  I am quite sure that Steve Spurrier is not, in fact, the devil. However, given his reign of darkness over Georgia in the 1990's, it became hard to think otherwise. The associations here are my own, but the facts are true.


Take a look,
It's In a Book,
(They Hired Ron Zook?
His goose got cooked!)
Reading Rainbow.