My Accidental, Homemade Chemical Peel (WITH PHOTO)

*TRUE STORY WARNING*  

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

 (Don't even try this in an emergency room!)

This morning, I felt like giving my skin a deep cleaning, pore refining, homemade concoction. Since I love using homemade scrubs and masks, McGoogle and I get to work, searching out the latest and greatest in kitchen-pantry-skin-care technology.

They all have basically the same ingredients, and you can pretty much mix and match as you choose, depending on your skin type. I was out of yogurt and honey, two of my favorite mask mixers, so I was going into uncharted territory.

Y’all, just because you see items used for similar purposes does not mean you should combine them!

I chose a couple of ingredients known to fight acne:  vinegar and cinnamon. Shut up. No, I did not fail chemistry…I passed with a 74.

So I mix them up in one of my favorite little Ikea bowls (which is toast now), and headed upstairs to the bathroom. I dig out a cotton ball to apply it with, and sit back and wait for my cover girl complexion to emerge.

*Sniff Sniff…what’s that? I can SMELL?!*

Wow, this stuff is awesome! My nose ain’t stopped up anymore!

While this herbal nectar is puttin’ the smack down on my skin problems, I decide to go make up our bed.

Tug…pull…..smooth….flip….smooth again…

Good Lord, am I that out of shape? I’ve never broken a sweat making up the bed before.

Trod around to my side…tug…pull….it’s at this point that our bed, clearly a three-dimensional object, becomes 4D, and begins profiling me with extreme prejudice.

Apparently our headboard punched me in the face 'cuz I can no longer see out of my left eye. No, it couldn’t have been one punch. Unless somebody snuck Sly in, one punch couldn’t leave you clinging to life and a half-empty inhaler, could it?

Y’all, I’ve never seen anything like it! I went from a blank canvas to a rerun of Rescue 911 in about 12 seconds. I’m trying to run upstairs while puffing on an inhaler; meanwhile, my left eye must’ve fallen out in the kitchen ‘cuz I can’t see nuthin’ on that side! My airway is starting to reopen, but there’s no welcoming committee waitin’ on it. All I can do is focus on the overwhelming urge to vomit. But I’ve got to get this mess off of my face first!

Hot water……clean rag…scrub, scrub, scrub… OH GOD, NOT IN MY HAIR!

By the time I got my face rinsed, I was suffocating...literally. Thank GOD I knew where the inhaler was. 

This was about 30 minutes later, once the swelling started to go down, my eye reopened (with the help of ice) and I regained breathing capabilities. I tried to touch up this picture with Photo Shop, but it froze up, citing “ERROR 724: .vip file has been corrupted. Honey, you’re an idiot. Go back to bed, and don’t ever do that again.”

This all took place this morning. The redness seems to be fading; the only lasting evidence will be the bald spot on my left temple where the chemical burn robbed me of my hair. So how has the rest of the day been? I think my contacts bit the dust, and I still feel like barfing.

So today, I am thankful for those $1 face masks in the HBA section of Wally World. If this is the alternative, then consider that dollar spent well ‘wuff it. 

In all seriousness, do NOT put cinnamon on your skin. I'm not allergic to it, and this is what it did to me. I'll stick with the honey & oatmeal mask next time.