Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Female Mind: Shining a Little Light Into A Dark, Scary Place

Today....an excerpt from the chapter that every man needs to read...before the woman in his life kills him. Hope y'all enjoy!

From the time we find out we’re pregnant, women's hormones are as logical and predictable as a frog in a blender. There are no longer safe weeks when the guys can come over and watch the game. There are no longer days when your husband knows to sit, down, shut up, and give you chocolate. His calendar of catastrophe is turned upside once that little blessing starts growing.  Rational thoughts vacate the premises, and his chances of doing anything right go from 33% to 0% in a minute. 

“Oh, honey, lilies are my favorites! You haven’t brought me flowers since our anniversary. You jerk; don’t you think I deserve flowers anymore? So what, now that I’m knocked up you don’t have to be romantic anymore?! Oh, but you are romantic, and you're so sweet for bringing me flowers...but aren’t lilies funeral flowers? Oh, God, you’re gonna die and I’m gonna be left all alone with this baby, and I can’t take care of a baby, and ARE YOU LEAVING ME? You’re gonna fake your own death, aren’t you, ya jerk?” 

Men, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

As mommas, we have to make a decision each morning to keep on keeping on. We have to pick up our rose-colored glasses, dust ‘em off, and put them on before we kill somebody. A mother’s attitude affects the entire household…just ask the husbands. It all starts during pregnancy.

“Honey, why don’t you find me attractive anymore?”  Well, sugar buns, it could be that you slapped me that last time I tried to hug you. Or maybe you bulldozed the love shack when you told your yoga class that my troopers wouldn’t salute. No—it was definitely when you called me in the bathroom three times last night to show me something that dang near blinded me for life, just to ask “Does this look normal to you?”

Ladies, the key to a peaceful home is being able to recognize when you’re crazy as an outhouse rat, and finding the inner strength to mutter these simple words:  “Back off, it’s a bad day.”

Now, husbands, you’re not off the hook, so don’t go thinking it’s all your wife’s fault. If you ever want to feel like a stud again, you’d better delete the word ‘hormones’ from your memory bank…. yesterday. Nothing will have you cuddling in a cocoon of celibacy faster than mentioning that word, particularly to third parties. When a man is caught mentioning ‘those things’, he is --for all practical purposes-- signing his storm trooper up for a life of solitary confinement.  There are ways to undo these mistakes, but men, you’d better practice in front of a mirror and know what you’re doing. Here’s a practice exercise for the husbands out there.

Scenario #1
You and your wife became new parents one month ago today. When you get home from work, you notice she’s wearing pajamas, smells like soured milk, and looks like she’s been crying. She approaches to give you a hug, and slowly leans her head against your chest. What do you do?

A)     Gingerly hug her, and ask how her day was.

B)      Wrap her in a warm embrace, and smooth her hair. Tell her it’s okay to cry, and that you understand that it’s tough being a new mom.

C)      Catch her as she reaches to hug you, and point out that soured milk stains mean an extra trip to the dry-cleaners.

D)     Don’t say a word. Hold her silently, and hold the position for 2-3 minutes before pulling away. Go fix her a hot bath, and turn on some relaxing music. For bonus points, fix her a glass of wine.

A)     WRONG! Do you really think she had a good day when she smells like this? Seriously?! You need to work on your approach.

B)      WRONG! So, now she’s an emotional mess and you’ve pointed out that she no longer keeps a clean house, puts on make-up, cooks homemade meals or brings home a paycheck? And really, ‘it’s okay to cry’? What are you, a woman?

C)      WRONG! If you chose this, you’re too stupid to be let out in public. Consider yourself blessed that she agreed to have a child with you. Oh, and now you want to point out that she can’t handle laundry, and since she’s not working, you can’t afford the dry cleaners like you could before? Why don’t you just stab her in the face? It’d be much more humane.

D)     WRONG! Why did you pull away? You don’t find her attractive anymore? She’s smothering you? Oh, and now you’re telling her she stinks and she just needs to relax? Wine? Are you kidding!? You’re topping this off by trying to get the baby loopy from a momma cocktail, probably because you wanna get freaky?!

Men, how did you do? Did you get the right answer? Oh, you didn’t? How odd! That's because I am trying to help you here. When a woman has been physically and emotionally put through the ringer, you cannot win. Anything you say can and will be held against you for the next 50 years, so you’d be best to shut your hole and leave her alone…but a few hours of quality sleep might reduce your sentence.

Men, today I'm gonna bless y'alls hearts. Y'all need it for puttin' up with us. 

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