Today....an excerpt from the chapter that every man needs to read...before the woman in his life kills him. Hope y'all enjoy!
From the time we find out we’re
pregnant, women's hormones are as logical and predictable as a frog in a blender. There
are no longer safe weeks when the guys can come over and watch the game. There
are no longer days when your husband knows to sit, down, shut up, and give you
chocolate. His calendar of catastrophe is turned upside once that little
blessing starts growing. Rational
thoughts vacate the premises, and his chances of doing anything right go from
33% to 0% in a minute.
“Oh, honey, lilies are my
favorites! You haven’t brought me flowers since our anniversary. You jerk;
don’t you think I deserve flowers anymore? So what, now that I’m knocked up you
don’t have to be romantic anymore?! Oh, but you are romantic, and you're so sweet for bringing me flowers...but aren’t lilies funeral flowers? Oh, God, you’re
gonna die and I’m gonna be left all alone with this baby, and I can’t take care
of a baby, and ARE YOU LEAVING ME? You’re gonna fake your own death, aren’t
you, ya jerk?”
Men, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
As mommas, we have to make a
decision each morning to keep on keeping on. We have to pick up our
rose-colored glasses, dust ‘em off, and put them on before we kill somebody. A
mother’s attitude affects the entire household…just ask the husbands. It all
starts during pregnancy.
“Honey, why don’t you find me
attractive anymore?” Well, sugar buns, it could be that you
slapped me that last time I tried to hug you. Or maybe you bulldozed the love
shack when you told your yoga class that my troopers wouldn’t salute. No—it was
definitely when you called me in the bathroom three times last night to show me
something that dang near blinded me for life, just to ask “Does this look
normal to you?”
Ladies, the key to a peaceful home is
being able to recognize when you’re crazy as an outhouse rat, and finding the
inner strength to mutter these simple words:
“Back off, it’s a bad day.”
Now, husbands, you’re not
off the hook, so don’t go thinking it’s all your wife’s fault. If you ever want
to feel like a stud again, you’d better delete the word ‘hormones’ from your
memory bank…. yesterday. Nothing will have you cuddling in a cocoon of celibacy
faster than mentioning that word, particularly to third parties. When a man is
caught mentioning ‘those things’, he is --for all practical purposes-- signing
his storm trooper up for a life of solitary confinement. There are ways to undo these mistakes, but
men, you’d better practice in front of a mirror and know what you’re doing. Here’s
a practice exercise for the husbands out there.
Scenario #1
You and your wife became new
parents one month ago today. When you get home from work, you notice she’s wearing
pajamas, smells like soured milk, and looks like she’s been crying. She
approaches to give you a hug, and slowly leans her head against your chest.
What do you do?
A) Gingerly
hug her, and ask how her day was.
B) Wrap
her in a warm embrace, and smooth her hair. Tell her it’s okay to cry, and that
you understand that it’s tough being a new mom.
C) Catch
her as she reaches to hug you, and point out that soured milk stains mean an
extra trip to the dry-cleaners.
D) Don’t
say a word. Hold her silently, and
hold the position for 2-3 minutes before pulling away. Go fix her a hot bath,
and turn on some relaxing music. For bonus points, fix her a glass of wine.
ANSWERS:
A) WRONG! Do you really think she had a
good day when she smells like this? Seriously?! You need to work on your
approach.
B) WRONG! So, now she’s an emotional mess and you’ve pointed out that she no
longer keeps a clean house, puts on make-up, cooks homemade meals or brings
home a paycheck? And really, ‘it’s okay to cry’? What are you, a woman?
C) WRONG! If you chose this, you’re too
stupid to be let out in public. Consider yourself blessed that she agreed to
have a child with you. Oh, and now you want to point out that she can’t handle
laundry, and since she’s not working, you can’t afford the dry cleaners like you
could before? Why don’t you just stab her in the face? It’d be much more
humane.
D) WRONG! Why did you pull away? You don’t
find her attractive anymore? She’s smothering you? Oh, and now you’re telling
her she stinks and she just needs to relax? Wine? Are you kidding!? You’re
topping this off by trying to get the baby loopy from a momma cocktail,
probably because you wanna get freaky?!
Men, how did you do? Did you get
the right answer? Oh, you didn’t? How odd! That's because I am trying to help you here. When a
woman has been physically and emotionally put through the ringer, you cannot
win. Anything you say can and will be held against you for the next 50 years,
so you’d be best to shut your hole and leave her alone…but a few hours of
quality sleep might reduce your sentence.
Men, today I'm gonna bless y'alls hearts. Y'all need it for puttin' up with us.
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