Steel Magnolias 2: The Real Housewives of Chinqapin Parish

Do y'all remember when Truvy said "there's no such thang as natural beauty"? Little did we know that in 1987, Dolly was setting us up for a good twenty years of women stuffing junk in their trunks, Jell-O in their hell-OO's, and bionic Tupperware into their kiss holes. I wish Dolly would've kept her mouth shut.

Just look at the men in that movie! You had Tom Skerritt and  Sam Shepard as the patriarchs of their families. Do you think for a minute Drum Eatonton or Spud Jones would'a had anything tucked, besides their boots in their britches legs? Now, Jackson Latcherie? There's a good chance he might've headed down the plastic highway in the future, and I think that's why M'Lynn didn't like him:  she knew he was a skinny jean wearin' girlie man on the inside.

Call me crazy, but I'd take a Tom Skerritt or a Sam Sheperd in a three-day old sandwich before I'd do lunch with a man that has prettier nails than me or has any beauty-industry related service provider in his Rolodex...I mean, iPhone.

I know, what about Sammy? Who could forget sweet old Sammy? I don't know where they got this poor guy, but in an article making fun of people for taking extreme measures to improve their looks, I just can't find it in me to bring up the one person in that movie that could've gotten an extreme makeover for nothing. There was just something so river rattish about him. Pedifilish, sex predatorish, stalkerish...which ever one floats your boat. I love me some Cherry Coke, but there ain't enough syrup in the world to make Sammy put fizzies in my heart juice.

But let's face it. Nowadays, their stories would've been totes demented. 

Annelle would've had at least 6 ex-husbands, one of whom would now be working as a prison guard named Rosita. 

M'Lynn would've taken Jackson to court in a Terry Schiavo-ish clash of the Cajuns. 

Clairee would be running for office since, after all, she's a rich, bleach-noggined, white broad with a lot of money. Oh, wait a minute....

Truvy would be doing spray tans, teeth whitening, and black market liposuction with Spud's latest invention, which may or may not have been the brainchild of a late night meeting with the Easter bunny and some laced peyote.

Shelby would still be dead, because unfortunately, people had rather have their boobs blown up and their butts sucked out than fund diabetes research. Rest in peace, Shelby. I'll forever be in awe of your massive hair and boob-high jeans that even managed to give Julia Roberts a poochy gut. 

Ouiser would be the first one of Dr. Phil asking how any self-respecting Southern woman could be expected to take down her  (regifted) track lighting.

In honor of the last quarter century's obsession with rubbermaiding the roadmapped faces of Hollywood, I'd like to announce my personal choices for the cast of Steel Magnolias 2:  The Real Housewives of Chinqapin Parrish. 

Please join me in a tribute to the flesh of the past, and the bionic Botox of the future. 

As the grieving mother who secretly left the cemetery screaming "I told you so", please give it up for...

Susan Lucci as M'Lynn Eatonton

As the pedicurist of petroleum, the manicurist to the mastic masses, and wig weaver to the stars, please welcome...

Dolly Parton as the reincyclednation of herself as Truvy Jones.

As everyone's favorite crotchety old woman, please give a back hand to the master of plaster disaster...

Melanie Griffith as Ouiser Boudreaux

As the locker room stalking, debu-tain't with the wallet of gold, shout it out for...

Joan Rivers as Clairee Belcher

Who could possibly play the ugly duckling turned duck-faced baby boomer Annelle DuPuy deSoto but...

Daryl Hannah as a the plumpily paralyzed shadow of her former self.


While Shelby may have died in the first one, you can't just kill Julia Roberts! You can't have Steel Magnolias 2 without a picked and plucked and lifted and tucked Shelby 2.0, whom it was only natural to cast with...

Nikki Cox, aka the girl that used to be insanely beautiful,
but has been suffering from the beehive munchies since the turn of the millennium.

In smaller, but by no means less surgically altered roles,
please welcome the male counterparts of our Latex Lilacs.

Ray Liotta as the  ever dazzling --while dumb as a bag of hammers-- Sammy deSoto. 

When reached for comment, Mr. Liotta could only say " I is so very frattered to be hast as Mistah 

deXoto. I am froud to ve in sush a vunderful fee-kwil."

(At least I think that's what he said...apparently Hannibal Lector 

decided to cut off his lips and fry them up as dessert.)

As (My-Face-Is-As-Tight-As-A-) Drum Eatonton, Mr. Burt Reynolds. 

"Thanks, Ouiser, nothin' like a good piece of ass. Now where's the M'Lynn I married? Thought we'd take a little road trip to Georgia...in my Trans Am."

As Spud Jones, the down-to-earth (despite having cheekbones up to Mt. Fuji),  grease monkey husband of Truvy, 

Bruce Jenner. 

(Truvy, fess up! He's been playing in a lot more than your hot wax, hasn't he? He IS hot wax!)

And as the Choir Loft Casanova and womanizer of all things Ouiser, Owen Jenkins, 

Mickey Rourke!!!

If you want to have plastic surgery, fine. But don't pretend that your beautification procedures makes everyone else stupid. Taking herbal supplements will not divide the width of your nose in half. Slathering your girls in Crisco ain't gonna make them stand up again. Volunteering at the soup kitchen on Thanksgiving is not a suitable explanation for how your butt now sits 3-4 inches below your shoulder blades. 

I just worry about the next era of earthlings that uncover the remains of our country to find this staring back at them...