Yesterday, I fixed the economy, and today I’m gonna fix the
criminal justice system…mama style.
I’ve always been disgusted mesmerized by our criminal
justice system. I worked in the court house when I was in high school, where I spent
every afternoon pulling people’s criminal records for their day in court. Well,
that, and looking up the driving records of everybody I knew. That might’ve
been the best job EVER for the blackmailer in me. (Just kidding!)
But one thing that has always intrigued me is capital
punishment. Let me clear something up real quick. PLEASE don’t do what I did
and get capital punishment and corporal punishment mixed up. Bubby came home one
day, and apparently they’d manage to pull their math teacher off topic like a
Jell-O wrestler off of a mechanical bull.
“Momma, Ms. Taylor said she doesn’t believe in capital
punishment because you can’t risk hurting someone that’s innocent.”
“Well, Bubby, I agree with that, but when there is indisputable
evidence, I don’t see why the punishment should be drawn out. I think they
should take care of business right then and there.”
“Why don’t they do it much anymore?”
“Well, because it’s not politically correct. Nowadays, they
say everybody has to be given another chance, and that’s not an outsider’s
place to carry out punishment. “
“Is that what you think?”
“No, I don’t, Bubby. I think every teacher should be taught
how to administer capital punishment before they ever step foot in a classroom.
Think about, honey. If you know your teacher’s allowed to do it, aren’t you
gonna think twice before you act up in her class?”
I glance over at the Bubbster, and his eyes are the size of
Momma Boo-Boo’s hula-hoop.
“Dang, Momma, that’s kinda mean, ain’t it?”
“No, it ain’t! Teacher’s put up with crap that would make
Malcolm X call for momma, and they can’t do anything about it. They should be
able to pull the trigger and put a stop to it without having to get a unanimous
vote from the Dalai Lama, 2/3 of the American Idol judges and Steven Seagal.”
Bubby’s officially scared of me at this point……and then it
hits me.
"Oops, sorry, Bubby. That’s
capital, not corporal."
But back to CAPITAL punishment. (Y’all hang on, it may get
ugly.)
Yep, I believe in it. If you have DNA evidence, a
confession, or other irrefutable evidence, put a bullet in ‘em. Hang ‘em. Throw
a radio in the tub. Whichever, but do it quick and do it cheap.
Since California reinstated the death penalty in 1978, they
have carried out 13 executions, and it has cost California taxpayers $308
million per execution, for a total
exceeding $4 billion.
Now that’s for the ones they actually killed.
I’m gonna stick in some Mamanomics here. These days, a
shotgun shell costs about a buck a piece. Even if you line ‘em up with a firing
squad of five, you’re out $5….and a warped individual that will never again
ruin people’s lives. If you do it immediately after sentencing, you save
millions of dollars per scumbag.
Let’s look at everybody’s favorite nut job, Marilyn Charlie
Manson.
According to his bio, he’s 79 years old. In his own words, “How old am I? I'm as old as my mother told me. How's that?” This schizophrenic,
twisted sister of the west coast admits he’s crazy. You show me somebody that
wants him free and walking the streets, and I’ll show you somebody that needs a
laxative in the worst way.
Manson was convicted in 1971 of first degree murder and
conspiracy to commit murder. This year marks the 44th year he’s been
in custody. The average annual cost of keeping a non-death row inmate alive and prospering
is $47,000 per year in California. It averages $137,500 for death row inmates.
Why? He’ll be up for parole again when he’s 92. Do you
really think he’s gonna cure cancer from his jail cell? Heck no! He’s sitting
in there with access to a free college education, watching Good Times reruns, eating
Marie Callender’s pot pies for lunch…and probably washing it and his Viagra
pill down with an ice-cold Coke.
Not only that, but California also spends $184 million on
the death penalty per year on additional trials, heightened security, and legal
representation for these criminals.
Now these statistics are from www.deathpenalty.org, which actually
focuses on alternatives to the death penalty. That’s not what I’m advocating. I’m
saying that if you’re gonna use the death penalty, do it after the prosecution’s
celebratory dinner break, not 27 years later.
But, hey, if you’re one of those people that cries at
Hallmark commercials and has a moral dilemma when it comes to ridding the earth
of a piece of psychotic filth, that’s okay, too.
According to a report compiled
by the California Commission on the Fair Administration of Justice, a capital
murder trial (which involves the death penalty not beating their butts, just
for clarification) in California costs $1.9 million, whereas a non-capital
murder case costs about $630,000.
Fine! From a mamanomical perspective, cut the death penalty!
Leave their evil butts in prison to rot, and don’t even mention the death
penalty. Seeing as how the west coast we-are-the-worlders are spending $63.3
million dollars a year on death row inmates, it’s no wonder they have budget
issues.
If you take away their I’m-special-so-I’m-on-death-row accessory
kits (complete with a skull and crossbones enhanced, emu feather boa), the
annual cost to keep them fed, comfortably cool, well read and healthy is cut by
$90,000.
If he’d converted the death penalty debutantes to
lifers-with-hairy-wifers, California’s 742 death rowers might’ve made the
Terminator less of a gubernatorial goober. Well, no they wouldn’t. Some things
can’t be changed.
So I guess what I’m saying is this: either kill them quick or don’t do it at all.
Maintaining a deadbeat green miler for a year: $137,500
Maintaining the same deadbeat dipstick sans empty threats for
a year: $47,500
Cost of cable TV for prisoners for a year: $2.25 million
Hosting an inmate Hunger Games in an abandoned California amusement
park: Priceless! (and think of the
royalties from souvenirs! I know I’d toss in a Jackson for a commemorative
dinner plate.) I can hear it now..."Well, it looks as if Leroy is going to hurl rabid chinchillas at Harold from the safety of the Tilt-A-Whirl. Do you suppose those little buggers will be dizzy?"
So, you death penalty states, put up or shut up! If you’re
gonna sentence them to death, take ‘em out back and shoot ‘em or forget it. Or
for the truly frugal freak-slayers, string ‘em up on a rope. After you cut them
down, you can go on Pinterest and figure out how to make an absolutely adorable
Kleenex coozie out of the rope, which you can raffle off to feed rehabilitated,
Ukrainian fighting chickens. They’ve
been cruelly ignored for so long.
